Is it black or white?

 

I am sitting on the floor of my four year olds room, exhausted.  I sitting here  making sure he stays in bed. He has been throwing a fit for almost two hours .  I am tired, and he is beyond tired.

We have been doing so good, no fit since Sunday.  We have been consistent with our routine, and discipline.   There is no rhyme or reason that I can see for the fits.  I say its white, he says its black, and then goes into a rage.

We show him love, consistency, support, and understanding, and we get hatred in return.  It is hard to care about or love someone who tells you they hate you, who takes the fun out of family time, and always finds away to ruin a good time.

Things were going so good. Last night we had dinner in the back yard. Lil man splashed in the water, and was covered in dirt from head to toe.  Tonight after dinner I  had plans to take him to the park, but those plans were shot to hell as soon as we pulled into the driveway and he refused to get out of the car. It has all went down hill from there.

His dinner sits half eaten on the table.  His school papers and torn into peace's and scattered around the livingroom.  He lays in bed with only a pull up on because he refused to put on his pajamas.

While I not it's not his fault, its hard not to get angry on the inside.  If I could just flip a damn switch and make him all better.  Life would be so much easier for us, and for him.

I want to take him to the park, and the zoo.  I want to do normal kid things with him, but I can't because I cannot reward the negative behavior. I want to take him on a playdate with my "mommy friends", but I can't because he will hit, and tell people to shut up, and not to look at him.  He will steal toys, and running away from me. 

In our foster care classes we are taught to support the birth family.  The case plan is always reunification at first. Our lil man does not get visits with his birth family, and I am thankful for that.

I am angry that his Mother is living footloose, and fancy free. While myself, and my husband are cleaning up her "dirty work"  She should be sitting in jail for causing  permanent brain damage to her child.

For now the fight is over, my lil man is fast asleep. Looking ever so sweet, and innocent. 

another one

 

Little man is doing well, we have not had any tantrums since Sunday!!!! FOUR DAYS! He has decided he likes me better than  the hubby even if I am a little more  strict.  He is doing well in "school". He has a few  accident in his undies, but I guess that is to be expected with everything that is going on. 

I found out that birth mom is expecting, and due again soon, which really pisses me off.  If you have no desire to get the first child back, why in the hell are you creating another one?  I think if a parents rights are terminated, that should be made to have their tubes tied.  Since she has done nothing wrong to the unborn she gets to keep it.

Our case worker told me that since lil mans needs are so high we will not be allowed to take another placement until things settle down.  I am a little PO, because I can handle another child.   I think he would benefit greatly from having someone near his age to play with.

Three seats

Tonight was I was driving home from Wal-mart, eating a bag of chocolate chip cookies I glanced in review mirror of my mommy mobile, and laughed at the sight I seen.

Who knew in my mind twenties I would be sporting a mini van full of carseats, and loving every moment of it.  Three boys 4 and under sure keep me busy. No wonder i'm ready for bed and its not even 9pm.

I've got three more seats to fill, in the third row.  Maybe I can talk to hubby into baking a bun in my oven. Triplets?

Celebrate!

Lil man had a wonderful day at daycare today.  His teacher said he was an angel, and very laid back.  I almost chocked...Was she referring to MY lil man?  After "school" we went to the park for an hour.  When we got home lil man went straight to his room to play with his cars while hubby and I made dinner. 

I kept popping into his room reminding him "soon it will be dinner time." "when it dinner time we are going to sit at the table and eat dinner". He came back with the usual "I ain't eating no food" "I wanna play with my cars."

I responded with "your cars will be here when your finished dinner."  Dinner was done, and it was clear he wasn’t ready to join us, so I decided to set a timer.  I set the timer for two minutes, and told him "when the timer rings its time for eat." 

Wouldn't you know that lil man came out of his room, without being prompted as soon as the timer went off!  Dinner went off without a hitch! As did bath time, story time, and bed time.

I even got a hug and kiss good night..

Cheers to a fit free day..woo hoo!

Here I am once again asking for advice.

 

Our lil man seems to have raging fit every day around the same time (5ish).  I cannot figure out what is causing them to happen. He takes 10 mg of Adrenal twice a day (8am and 1pm is when I have been giving it to him). 

Today he had a massive fit because he did not like what I made for dinner.  His tantrum lasted almost an hour. He was told he did not have to eat any but he had to sit at the table for 2 min's.  This caused him to start tantruming  which included him tearing apart his bedroom, hitting and kicking and shouting all the usual nasties..

When he is in his rage you cannot speak to him, it just makes things worse. You cannot hold him because he just hits and kicks.  I sat in his bedroom door way, and would not let him out until he got himself under control.  Half the contents of his room where thrown at me. 

After 45 min he finally  laid on the bed.  I slowly moved closer until I was at the edge of the bed.  Once at the edge of the bed I started rubbing his back, and asked him if I could give him a hug.

I try to talk to him about what he was so upset but he doesn't seem to "get it", he just kept saying "I was mad at you".

After that he was fine. He sat down at the table ,and ate dinner as if nothing had ever happened.  He cleaned up all of the mess he made without being told. I am at a loss as to how to better handle him.

The rest of the day goes off without a hitch he gets dressed no problem, cleans up, plays very well with his toys, and is easily redirected.

Excited..

About the sandbox I just bought online for lil man..

I have a shopping problem, and my hubby is gonna kill me.

Who knew..

So far I have been slapped a few times, told to shut up, and had a pair of Thomas shoes thrown at me.  I was told I am mean, and how much lil man hates me.  There is no reasoning, no talking him out of it, you just have to let it go, and be there to comfort him when its all said and done.

He hates his toys, his bedroom, his food, and his new parents.

Comforting someone who hates you, and is pushing your every button is very had.   I don't think I full understood how damaged these children are. 

It's heartbreaking.  It isnt his fault, he wasn't the one that drank so much it damaged his brain.  He didnt asked to be moved from house to house.

After the raging fit, I am his best friend. He wants a hug, and wants me to play with him.  Hopefully over time these behaviors will reduce. 

For now I am off to do more research!

Thanks

I just wanted to say thank you to those of you who have showed your support.  Friends, family, and other foster parents.  You all have helped us greatly with our move from a family of two to three.

Foster parents who have been there and done that have been emailing me all sorts of links, and advice.  It's great!

The greater part of today was spent running around town, filling our paper work, well check at the Drs, and  enrolling lil man in daycare.  I also started the process to have him enrolled in special needs preschool, and hope to hear back from them at the beginning of next week.

He eats a great deal, and is on the go constantly.  We need a bigger house, as well as a bigger fridge!!!

Emotions.

I don't think I am as tough as I thought I was.  I am not one to run around with my emotions on my sleeve, but I had to hold back the tears on the drive home with lil man.

We are IMPACT certified, and have over 30 hours of additional training, but not one class prepared me for tonight.

Lil man was excited to meet us, and drew us some pictures, and showed us the toys he was playing with.  He kept Wayne busy while I was filling out paper work. 

When it was time to leave he did not want to come with us, he wanted to stay with his social worker.  Once in the car, he calmed down. 

We went for something to eat before getting on the highway as it is over an hours drive from our agency to our house. About 20 minutes into the drive he started asking for his "mama" (his old foster Mother).  The asking turned into crying, and the crying turned into a fit. 

He asked us to turn the car around, and take him to his Mama.  At one point he told us how to get to his "mama's" house.

We told him that we were sorry that he missed his mama, and that we were going to take care of him now.

We pulled over, and I sat in the back holding his hand, while singing him some songs.

Once he got to the house, things clamed down.  We introduced him to the cats, and showed him around. He liked his bedroom, and quickly dumped out all the toy!

He played for about 30 minutes, and then went for a quick bath before bed.  We read books, and snuggled for a little bit.

Shortly before bed said "Will you be my mama?", I said "I will love you and take care of you".  He seemed okay with that.

We kissed him good night, and told him we will seem him in the morning, and off to sleep he went.

I am enjoying the honeymoon phase, and hope he remains as sweet as he seems.

Today's the day

Last night the hubby and I went out to dinner, as our last night as a married couple with no children.  Pretty scary huh?  I am overly excited about picking up lil man, and wish the day was already over.

I wonder what he looks like

What color are his eyes

What color is his hair

Will he like us?

What type of delays does he have?

What is his background

Does he like cats?

What are his favorite foods?

Can he sing his ABC's?

Is he a good sleeper?

So many questions, and no one to answer them.  I guess only time will tell.

We stayed up late last night reading books on FAS, and searching for resources in our area, that lil man could benefit from.

I will post more later tonight, once lil man is tucked in bed (and hopefully sleeping)

Heart broken

 

I received a packet of information on lil man today, and his "story" just breaks my heart.  To say the system has failed him would be an under statement.  He has been in care since birth, within those four sort years he has been in SIX different foster homes.  Our home will be the seventh place he has lived in FOUR YEARS.  That's almost a new home every 6 months, and they wonder why his issues are getting worse.

He is globally developmental delayed, and has fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS), and ADHD.  He likes to be read to, and enjoys snuggling.  He can be aggressive, and his no fear.  He has dimorphic features due to his FAS.  He attends preschool, and is a very social little boy.

I will admit I am scared that I might be in a little over my head.  But I am not about to give up on him, before we even get started.  He needs consistency , he needs love, he needs rules, and boundaries, in order to help him over come his delays.

How is this allowed to happen in our country?  Why has he been moved from home to home.  Why haven't his parents rights been terminated?

I am off to do some research.

10 Surefire Ways to End a Friendship With a Friend Who Does Foster Care

 

By Carrie Craft, About.com

1. Tell the foster family how you could never do foster care because you would love the children too much. This way the foster family feels cold hearted as that is the only way anyone could do foster care according to your statement.

2. Bug the foster family with questions about why the children are not with their birth mom and dad. This is a great way to push the foster family into breaking confidentiality and ruining their reputation as a professional part of the foster care team.
3. Advise the foster family that the foster child just needs a good spanking to solve behavior problems. The foster family will then feel further overwhelmed not only in dealing with behaviors, but in constantly having to explain and defend discipline choices.
4. Devalue the foster family's choice to serve the children of the community by criticizing their decision. Explain how you would never do foster care because it brings bad influences into your home and into the lives of your children.
5. Say things like, "you're too strict", "all the kids need is love," and "you should baby the kids more they've been through so much" undermining the foster parent's ability to make parenting choices for the children within their care.
6. Refuse to understand the need for the children to have boundaries within relationships and triangulate with the kids every chance you get. Try siding with the kids against the foster parents, they love this!
7. When the foster parent is venting to you as one of their much needed support systems, say, “I’ve never seen him/her act like that, he/she was perfect for me,” or “I would take him/her in a minute if I could”. This will cause the foster parent to think that they are going crazy and doubt what they are seeing in the child’s behavior.
8. If the foster child drives you crazy then feel free to tell the foster parents about it. Don’t worry about saying anything rude about the child within their care, it’s not like they are his/her REAL parents anyway. Say things like, “how can you stand that kid?” “ I would have shipped him/her off long ago.” Be sure to complain about the child every chance you get, ignoring any hint of hurt from the foster parent.
9. Drive home any feelings of ineptness by telling the foster parents how you’d have “that kid straightened out in two weeks." Nothing makes a foster parent feel unsuccessful like comparison of parenting skills. This will cause the foster parents to doubt their parenting ability and to second guess every choice and decision.
10. Guilt is a very effective tool if you want to destroy someone’s self-worth. Ask the foster parents if they feel terrible about taking away from their own children with their choice of doing foster care. This is even more effective during times of high stress when the foster child is having behavior problems and the family is in crisis mode.

If you follow these 10 easy steps you too could end a perfectly good friendship with your pal who does foster care!

Yes, I’m only kidding with these suggestions, unless of course you do want to lose your foster parenting friend. But these are statements that I, and many of my foster parenting friends, have personally heard from other well-meaning friends and family. I know hurting me or my family was not intended, but I do hope that through this snarky article others can see how simple statements can affect others

How time flies..

It has been almost TEN months since we started our foster care journey, last June.  I have had a lot of time to prepare for our first placement, and here we are a week away for getting lil man, and I am totally freaking out.  I have cared for children, since I was 12 years old!  But I have never been a Mother..Never been totally responsible for a little person.  How scary!

I have got daycare in place, I am going to schedule a dr's apt, and an apt to get WIC.  I plan to go yard sailing this weekend to see what goodies I can pick up for him!

How exciting!!

I

Its official!

 

We are picking up our first placement this Thursday at 5pm.  A four year old little boy who we will nickname lil man.  How exciting.  I have NOTHING for a 4 yr old boy, time to go shopping!!!

and the phone rings again..

Yesterday as  I was packing my bags, and heading home I received a phone call from my case worker.  They have a four year old little boy who has ADHD, and is developmentally delayed.   Of course we said "yes!"

He's in a relative placement right now, and needs to be moved soon.  I asked what "soon" meant and she told me by the end of the month.  What?  Your gonna make us wait that long?  If they have a willing loving home, what's the hold up?

So for the next two weeks, we are sitting in limbo.  Just waiting. Giving our agencies past history I wouldn't be surprised if they changed their mind, and place him some place else.  Cause that's the type of shit ass luck we have.

classes

 

At our monthly foster care meeting we discussed online training classes for foster parents.  The best one seemed to be Foster Parent college.  For eight dollars you can take a 2 hour class on various subjects from RAD to ADHD, for caring for children with special needs.

The classes are CASA certified, and most agencies accept the certificate which is good for two training hours!

You don't have to sit at your computer for two hours straight,  You can long in and out. You have 30 day to finish the class.

Happy learning..

Poem

 

With love from your foster family

Long Before we realized, long before we ever knew, God Prepared a special place within our hears for you.

We welcome you with open arms into our family. We want you to feel safe, and warm and pray that you will see..

Our home can be a resting place where hope and healing grow.  Where caring friends surround you, and you will come to know-

God had a special purpose when He wove our paths together, and no matter where you life may lead You'll stay in our heats forever.